Tuesday, October 26, 2010

who i am hates who ive been.

relient k said it right.
we are all full of regrets. as i look back at last year, i see hundreds of things i wish i would of done differently; people i wish i didnt ignore. people i wish i would of never listened too. things i wish never would of said. things i should of confessed. people i should of loved, people i should of ran far away from. things i hate to think of. lessons i should have learned, but didnt. people i shouldnt have hurt. and so so much more. i had tunnel vision last year, and into the beginning of this year. i finally see how absolutely ridiculous i was.
i only got hurt because i let myself get hurt. i knew what was right and wrong, yet i did what i wanted too. i saw the the same things happen to people i love, but i said "im different, i wont let it happen." who was i kidding? all of humanity is the same.
i have such pangs of regret. so much i do reminds me of last year, of who i was. i hate it. i wish i could go back in time and change my mind, to stop me from starting the one relationship that ruined so many. sometime i wonder why i ever started talking to him, but now i see i had lessons to learn, and myself to discover.
im learning to see thru my brokeness, that im still His, im still a princess, im still beautiful, im still loved. in my pain ive discovered who i am. ive found joy, peace, hope and most importantly love.
joy- because i am so happy in whatever i do.
peace- because i am content with where and who i am.
hope- because i anticipate the greatness to come.
love- because i finally saw who was in front of me.
the love in my friends i have just recently found hurts me the most. i had these people in my life for years, and i never gave them the time of day, never really knew them. now they are the ones who love me the most, the ones who care, the ones who make me want to change and be better. i thank them for not giving up on me. i dont know where id be if it wasnt for my best friends. they know who they are.
when you lose someone or something you love, you realize just how fragile and precious life is. 6 months have passed since i lost a dear friend. it shattered my world. people arnt supposed to die at age 18. but God is sovereign and uses everything for good.
i know theres so much more i want to say, but time escapes me. sleep is needed.
i forgive and thank those who hurt me, because without them i would not be here. God used everything that came my way for good. God is writing me a beautiful love story, and mines just beginning.


  1. i dearly love you my girl :) im soo soo very proud of you. Discovering who we are today because of our past regrets hurts a lot but it is soo worth it when we look back and see our Daddy was there the entire time waiting for us to reach out. He never leaves. He wants that intimacy, He pursues us relentlessly and you can never trully desire anything more, im so glad your learning that :) i love you and miss you

  2. who you were has made you who you are now, and I think you are pretty amazing! God knew just how to fashion you with your quirks and everything. You may not have liked who you were, but He took who you were, mixed it with who He is, and vola! created who you are now!

  3. I love this post so so so much! It comes right from the heart and I like that. This year I think we have both grown up a lot. It was so GREAT having a girls day and talking while at the beach. ;) I love you tons, and cherish our friendship. YOU ARE THE BEST! <3 <3 <3